5 Steps to Break the Cycle of Feeling Bad About Yourself
If you’re someone that generally feels bad about themselves all the time, you may be wondering if you’ll ever stop feeling this way. As an adult, you may think you should have enough self-esteem by now to stop worrying what people think, stop comparing yourself to others, and stop feeling so bad about who you are. It’s not so simple.
Who you are as an adult is deeply connected to who you were as a child, how you were raised, your relationships with others back then, and what you believe and feel about yourself now. The messages, both conscious and unconscious, you received from caregivers about how you were supposed to be influenced the way you felt about yourself.
For example, having a disapproving parent may have made you feel like nothing you did was good enough. Having an absent parent who didn’t pay attention may have made you feel invisible and that what you did made no difference. A highly critical parent may have left you with harsh judgments of yourself that you have carried all your life.
You may intellectually know that you don’t need to be perfect to be loved, accepted, and worthy, but you still find yourself ruminating on negative self-talk. Believing you must be perfect or different than you already are is certainly reasonable. It’s a way of surviving. For many of us, when we acted the way our caregivers wanted us to, we received love, connection, praise, and belonging. Negative beliefs about ourselves were reinforced when we failed or were punished and so it was difficult to find unconditional acceptance of ourselves. Fear of being abandoned, unworthy or unloved are core human fears that we go to great lengths to avoid. Though you may know you should feel worthy, you don’t actually feel that way because all of these beliefs about yourself were learned and are unconscious. You learned to abandon yourself.
Staying stuck in the cycle of feeling bad about yourself may have worked for a while, but you can change this cycle and get relief. And the good news is, you’ll feel more like you belong, are loved, and find acceptance with others and yourself.
There’s a big difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. You may be more familiar with self-esteem, which is often based on merit, attributes, and abilities. Usually it’s conditional and doesn’t always work or last. Just like you learned to abandon and feel bad about yourself, you can learn to show yourself compassion. You can learn to love yourself unconditionally for who you are authentically.
To begin to change this cycle, you have to identify what you think, feel, and say to yourself. These feelings and beliefs dictate your behavior. The outcomes that occur from your behavior reinforce the beliefs, which keep you stuck in the cycle!
Notice what you think about yourself, the ways you talk to yourself, and how much you feel bad about the way you are. You can use mindfulness, meditation, journaling, or dialogue with a friend to become more aware.
Practice holding a nonjudgmental stance towards these thoughts, feelings, and self-talk using mindfulness, meditation, or journaling. Instead of immediately trying to change them, see if you can acknowledge them with curiosity as if you’re doing an experiment. This is one of the most important steps to getting out of the cycle. You have to allow what is before it will change.
Treat yourself like a friend. On a piece of paper, write down all the evidence there is to show that you are not 100%, all of the time whatever it is the negative self-talk is saying. For example, if you’re feeling bad about not being a better friend, write down all the ways and times you’ve been a good friend to someone. Try not to let the negative self-talk and feelings get in the way of this exercise. If they do, write down all the ways your friend is a great friend and what characteristics you see in them that you like.
Commit to one trust-building, self-care exercise with yourself daily. Choose something specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and within a time frame (SMART goal). Some examples include:
A 5-minute mindfulness activity in the morning.
Taking a walk for 10 minutes.
Spending 5 minutes doing something creative like drawing, writing, or singing.
Committing to trying to get 8 hours of sleep at night.
When you think of the activity as a self-care exercise that you’re using the build trust with yourself, you will begin to change the relationship with yourself. When you follow through on something you can commit to, not to anyone else, but just to yourself, you will begin to see that you are reliable, trustworthy, and important. Self-neglect often goes together with feeling bad about yourself.
Assess how your thoughts, feelings, and self-talk change or don’t change over time.
In your sessions, we will go through this process together, working through your past if necessary to bring awareness to how and why you feel the way you do. I can guide you to make lasting changes. You can feel better about yourself.
